My journey back to wholeness began with eating…
I learnt to nourish my physically body, through cooking every single meal for myself. My ex was bewildered by my unwillingness to cook for myself. I did not realise it at the time but the deep dissatisfaction that I felt inside of me had frozen the part of me that naturally nourishes myself and others.
I was in deficit. And consequently living a life of compromise, where my emotional needs were not met due to self-neglect and self-abandonment. At the same time, I was attempting to play a role that I thought society expected from me, to love, in sickness, for my relationship was far from healthy. I was the typical co-dependent who continuously over-gave to a partner that consistently reminded me, through his actions that he did not need me.
My innate need to be needed veiled the immediate truth that my emancipation was in my hands. I was the one who needed to turn things around and release myself from the river of struggle. No one was coming to save me.
I did not know it at the time that self-nourishment was the key that I needed to unlock the door that leads to my freedom. And so, I cried for help and shouted from the bottom of the pit of my tears for any assistance. I hoped for grace and waited.
Two months after my rock bottom incident (that is a story for another day), I found myself locked down, in India where I had to start cooking or starve. I opted for the former for I am not very big fan of fasting.
I started with simple dishes. My housemates transformed into dedicated teachers. I learnt about different spices and foraged for curry leaves in the forest . I realised that I thoroughly enjoyed the process of planning my meals. And the menu was based on whatever vegetables were available during this difficult time of resource contraction. At times, creativity showed her beautiful face on my dinner plate.
Cooking became my ritual and my relationship with self-nourishment catapulted into space and beyond.
I felt spaciousness inside my body for I was eating the works of my hands. I found that I developed greater capacity to nourish my loved ones, who called me periodically to share their joys and challenges. And I experienced first hand what it means to give from a place of fullness.
For me, hunger breeds emptiness and fullness brings joy to the self and the other.
I strive to nourish myself first and to nourish my neighbour afterwards.
Nourishment is Service, Devotion and Love.
