It was the darkest of times; it was probably the saddest of times but as the old phrase states: “It is always darkest before dawn.”
I recently had a very interesting conversation with someone that is close to my heart and I value him and his way of seeing the world. Our exchange gave me much to ponder upon and it stirred emotions within me.
It was during autumn, when I was preparing for my exhibition in Russia. There were no blue skies, it was dark, the days were short and it was cold. It was pretty grim. The weather outside mirrored what I was feeling inside, what I had been feeling inside for a long time. And I didn’t know it at the time, but I was on the cusp of a breakthrough. A new experience was underway and I needed to discard my old skin, my old shell. And so, it happened through the medium of painting.
I agree with my friend, in part, what I painted, in his words, was somber, dark, foreboding, unhappy, violent and sad. And that is all true from the eye of the beholder. However, it was mine. It was what I had made personal. It was what I had allowed myself to identify with. I was very sad, I will admit that, disappointed, yes, that too but I didn’t even realise it.
I was auto-piloting through life, I did not see who I was and I could not feel my feelings. I had managed to suppress my emotions so much so that I felt constricted, unwilling to bring awareness to what lay below the surface. Thankfully, nothing lasts forever and my state had reached a pinnacle and unbeknownst to me, an emotional revolution was imminent.
The painting process allows me to still my mind, and this initiates a journey into the mysterious, a place of timelessness. And this time, it was a journey into the underworld, through the gates of Hades himself. It was a journey through my personal Kali Yuga, a voyage into the darker places within me. As I journeyed, my hidden emotions emerged. They came out to play. They took shape; some were readily recognisable others took forms that were not easily distinguishable. Although, at times, I was looking at objects for inspiration that is not what came out. Ha-ha. And to add to the unpredictability, I painted with a substance that dries within seconds. Therefore, there wasn’t much time for thinking or correction.
The emotions had found a voice and it could not be edited.
One could even argue that the paintings painted themselves, because I simply threw this black substance on paper and used sticks to move it around, I didn’t use brushes most the time. I went as raw and natural as I possibly could, and images appeared on paper.
My emotions were released out of the cage that was within me somewhere; they were released back into the vast emptiness, the nothingness from which they emanated.
What I feel now, in my body, is lightness. I sense that the heaviness was left on those pieces of paper. Whatever was heavy as lead went through a process of alchemy and through the medium of ink, it was transformed into images. Who knows what happened. What I can attest to, is the physical manifestation of this process, a Lightness that has been with me ever since. And I am grateful every day for this experience.
Light illuminates darkness and I believe that darkness must exist, for light to make an effect.